You have left the group.

     Do you ever get this bit of nostalgia? You find a hand-written note with some inside joke, or a Facebook memory from six years ago pops up. For a moment you can relive that memory, all the love, hope, wanting, regret. But its just a moment. You can never have the memory back as whole as it once was. That's how I feel about Katimavik. It's like finding small notes that you had written to yourself but it feels like a stranger wrote these words, and the words seem cryptic. I honestly feel like such a different person than I was when I did Katimavik, but I also feel like I'm standing at the same cliff that I was at before I started the program. That fear of whats next.

(Group 41164 during our first week July 2011 in Galt Gardens)

     Its been far too long. Six years. Let that sink in now. This time six years ago I was sitting in an airport freaking out about meeting my family for the first time in six months, I was crying so hard because I didn't want to leave my Katima family. I started thinking about applying for Katimavik when I was in the ninth grade, and I started just after graduating high school, so about four years. I've been out of the program for longer than I thought about doing the program. It's weird to think about it like that. Time is just weird to me. 

     The band will never be back together. That's my guess. We're all so different now. I haven't talked to anyone in a very long time, I'm still upset with how some things ended with some of them, or I guess didn't end. But will I rectify this? No. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that silence and strangers seem to be the new reality. It's quite sad really but its true. I miss them, but I miss them as I knew them in 2011, who are they now? Okay, that's a bit melodramatic but come on, does creeping them on social media make a relationship? No. I feel like the creepy ex who just sits and cries at their Facebook pages wondering what happened. 

Whats new in my world? In the last year, what have I gotten up to...

(My graduation day!)

     I finally graduated University! I got my Bachelor of Arts as a History major with a concentration in British Studies. I only took out a small loan for my last year of studies because I wanted to be able to volunteer and just not hate my job. It's weird to think that I am the first of ALL my siblings to get a university degree. It still doesn't feel like it happened...like I'm a fraud? Is that weird, I just... it feels like even though I worked so hard and long for my degree it feels as though I have tricked my school into giving me my degree. Like I don't deserve it? LIke ahaha I have tricked you all. It's hard to step back and tell myself that I DO deserve it, that I worked hard and earned it. 

     Maybe the whole fraud thing has to do with the fact that I still cannot find a job within my field. I want to work in a museum or heritage or literally anything historical. Can I find this magic job...No. I've been looking and nothing. It's hard. I want a full-time job, I want to love what I do, I want to believe that my degree will help me with that. It's just hard when you feel like nothing is working for you. I just don't want to have to go back to my terrible old job but the reality is if I cannot find a job soon that might be the most practical possibility.  I know I'm a hard worker, I know that if someone will just give me that chance that I can prove to them that they hired a passionate, driven, and hardworking young woman.

(Graduation Celebration for myself and a volunteer at the Museum)

     I am still working/volunteering at the Pitt Meadows Museum. I love it there so much. I have done some amazing things there this year. The biggest was I got to help create and develop an exhibit for Canada at 150. That was amazing, especially when you get to see all of your hard work pay off in such a wonderful way. The exhibit was based on who we thought were influential Canadians, and all the staff got to pick a few people. I picked Emily Carr, Terry Fox, John McCrae, W.A.C. Bennett, and Pierre Trudeau. I also get to work on the children's programs, I (along with my favourite coworker) get to plan out the Museum Sunday programs. I never thought I would enjoy working with kids so much but its surprising even me. Makes me wonder what would have happened had I worked at the Family Centre in Lethbridge. This museum has been one of the greatest things ever, it's given me a place where I feel like I belong, I love what I am able to do there, and I love being there. This place is creating pretty high expectations for my forever job. I want a career in this.

(The Emily Carr portion of the display for Canada at 150)

     My sister got married this year, my other sister got engaged, and then there's me. It feels like everyone is moving on with their lives except me. I just feel stuck again like I cannot move forward and I don't want to go backward. I felt this way after I finished high school. The whats next? Where is my path headed? Can I do this? Then I left for Katimavik. But now feeling this way again, I don't have the luxury of this magical program again. I have to deal with the real world which isn't brightly coloured with Katimavik optimism.  What do I do now? What should my next step be? I feel so lost. 

                    Where do I go?

                         What does my path look like?

Where will I be five years from now?

     I want to live a life that I can feel proud of, a life that 2011 Keagan would love, a life that I can make my own. I just need to find this light to light my way again. Katimavik was my light after high school, what will be my light after University? I guess we shall see. This isn't really an optimistic note to end on now is it? I'm honestly more lost than I have been in my life. What do I do now? What is right for me? Will I find answers in 2018? 2019? 2020? Is there an answer? My life is a lot of coming to a cliff (Maybe I like that image the best) where every decision seems to change my life completely if I jump, if I stay, but the reality is that moving forward is always inevitable. I'm always moving forward.

Five years

It's weird to think that it has been five years since my Katimavik experience ended. Every time that I try to think about that and wrap my head around that I am not able to. Katimavik changed me. I wouldn't be the person I am today without this program. It helped give me focus, show me what I wanted (mostly) with my life, teach me how to be an adult and a functioning member of society. Katimavik was one of the best moments of my young life. I will end this on a positive note.

September 2011 in front of Lake Louise

Everyone in my group is doing well. Its quite obvious that some have gotten their lives together, and I'm proud of them. I miss them. We interact like most people over Facebook, a like here, a message there, but not much. It's sad. I messed up with my relationship with them. I want to talk to them. I miss them, they understood me but the question is would they understand me now? 

I'm proud of what I have been able to do this year. I left a job that I have hated (four years to get through school) and was able to be a part of a job that I loved. This summer I was lucky and I was able to work at a museum which is what I have always wanted to do. Although it was only for the summer it helped me realize what I want to do. If you want to read what I wrote about that experience you can read it on their blog (http://www.pittmeadowsmuseum.com/single-post/2016/08/11/Keagan-Rocks-the-Collections) Luckily I still volunteer at the museum and am trying to just breathe in and enjoy the experience!

My two best friends and myself this summer

I have finally been able to say that I am proud of where I am heading. 2017 is my year. By the end of 2017 I will be graduating (With a bachelor of art, major in history, with a concentration in British and Irish studies). I have a plaque that is going to be produced for the city of Vancouver (http://citystudiovancouver.com/projects/history/ My video is the Canadian Pacific Railway one), I will have helped produce an exhibit for the Pitt Meadows Museum for Canada's 150th anniversary, I will finally be able to move on from university and start my life (hopefully within a museum environment). It's terrifying, exhilarating, nerve-wracking, exciting, and so many more emotions that I cannot even begin to describe. 

Thank you Katimavik, my life would have no direction without the push that you gave me. I am the first member of my family that will graduate university. I want to experience my country once I graduate, see Alberta again, touch the Atlantic Ocean, visit Ottawa, See Northern Canada).

Katimavik, you are my everything, everyday I think about how much of an impact this program has had on my life. Everyday I think of the people that touched my life during this program. 

41164. I cannot imagine my life without your influence. I miss you.

If you want to find me you can always find me on tumblr ( keagerz.tumblr.com ) and maybe next year I will be writing again. It's nice to be able to reflect on my year, on my life, on where I am going. My life is coming together, I'm working on being happy. I'm working on me.

Are you guys ready to celebrate Canada's 150th?

Positive note.

Donate to Katimavik

https://katimavik.org/en/donate/

You can help donate to help support Katimavik and its resurrection, the best zombie moment of this year! Help a program that has done so much for Canada and its youth!

See y'all in about a month for my once a year life update!

4 years ago...

I came home from Katimavik four years ago today. Now I didn't even know if I would write this blogpost, in my head it's been four years who would want to read it? Would I even want to write it? I don't know if I even have words anymore. I've hit the third year blues in my university career, and its just that slump. But I've been trying to be more productive and active this year, it's difficult when all I want to do is stay in  my little isolationist bubble. I was trying to think of all thats been accomplished and its impressive, once you include all my Katima-mates and myself. Two of them are going through large life changes (Its not my place to say what it is), One graduated university, one went back to university, and it seems like everyone is getting their lives together and becoming productive adults with lives and jobs of their owns. I feel like I'm still stuck but maybe that will change once I graduate from university and find my way in the world. But I finally declared my major yesterday so History major here I go! Maybe I will end up working for the Canadian government with the ministry of heritage.

 I wanted to try to get back into volunteering this year. I've been so focused on school and work and paying for school, that its hard to get out of that mindset. This year I was an welcome leader (orientation) at university. It was really fun and made me miss the weekends in Katimavik that we would group volunteer together. I'm going to continue doing this, and I am trying to be more active and conscious citizen/student.

 I wanted to make jam this year, so my mother taught me how to make it. We picked up local BC produce and made strawberry, raspberry, and blackberries. It ended up feeling very Katimavik and we have plans to extend our canning next year to include things like pickles (my billet in quebec made lovely pickles) and more jam.

This year Justin Trudeau was elected! It was an interesting night in my household as some members of my family were NDP and then the other half were Liberal. I hope that it gives a glimmer of hope towards the return of this wonderful program. I am glad that our voices were heard in this election, and it shows that Canadians can affect change.









My blog always ends up being depressing I find. I relate that I wish I could go back to Katimavik where life seemed easier where this group of friends would never be seperated. In my head it seems that as the years go by we all watch facebook to see whats going on with our friends but we never say "Hey...whats going on in your life lately?" It's just sad. I miss it, but there is no going back to that place. Its just enough for us to remember it and remember what happened. Katimavik is important to those who were a part of it and it helped define us. Now its a matter of moving away from Katimavik being the only thing that defines us. What defines me? Thats a question I'm still working on answering.

Until next year.

We are ghosts of who we once were.

It's been three very long years. I'm about to be an emotional blob, get out while you still can (goodness knows I wish I could). You're supposed to sandwich while writing, good, bad and then good that way readers have something to hook them and then they're emotionally invested hit them with the bad stuff and then follow with more good stuff to lighten the mood. Let's be honest though, if you're reading this you're already invested. I don't need to hook you, I just need to tell you...

                              We are ghosts of who we once were.

Vague personifications of our Katimavik self. It's still under all the changes, underneath is what who we were when we were in the program. Revealing our souls to the ones we love. Time changes us, destroys what we once loved. It's hard not to love someone once you found out who they are underneath it all, their pain, suffering, happiness, pride. The person they are inside...I don't know how to write this. I have pondered, fretted, stressed about how I would bring justice to the third year anniversary of my completion of this program. But this is the year everything blew up in my face.

I found a post on tumblr a while ago that sums up my feelings for some of the things that have happened this year.

How do you know when it's over?
         "Maybe when you feel more in love with the memories than with the person standing in front of you"

I don't even know how to talk about this. I always have words...but I don't...I keep hurting myself by reading the emails she sent me when we were fighting when we first returned home and I was trying to get myself back into the world. (I kept everything). Maybe if I keep ripping open the wound fresh for all to see.. maybe I would hurt myself into...feeling something. I'm the Queen of passive aggressiveness she once told me...but I'm hurting inside and out. If I keep showing myself the bad times maybe it will help...no I'm just an ass hole. I don't know what to say. I have a ruined friendship because of...well I don't know exactly. We weren't besties...It was like meeting a stranger. I kept telling myself it would be like what it was...I was hoping...But two and a half years is a long time. I told everyone that my best friend was coming...And whenever anyone asked me how the visit was it broke me. How do you tell yourself that you and your best friend had changed. How do you come to terms with that? We should have gotten to know each other again, the outside world had changed us and we weren't ready to meet again in person...At least we shouldn't have thought it would be exactly the same as it was. Too much too soon is what I keep telling myself. Is it correct I don't know...I don't know anything...Everyone asks me what now, are you still friends? I don't know...I still care deeply about her...but... maybe I am better being a part of their lives from a distance. Is that selfish? I don't want to get hurt again.

Although that truly broke my heart, we grow up, we fix our wounds and carry on. If we allow ourselves to fall, that is when we are broken.

This is life. Kristen is now attending the same university that I am... I have seen her once. I don't have the motivation to visit people, I can only have so much social time in one day. Most people understand this, but some...some people just think I'm anti-social and a jerk. Willie I have seen that kid a few times when he comes to visit his family in Vancouver. He is amazing, we were writing letters back and forth for a while...maybe I should write him another letter. He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met, and I feel like he gets me. I see him whenever I get a chance. We talk about things that matter to us. My mother says that she likes the way I smile when I hear from him, that I am truly happy when I get letters from him or when I see him. I think she wants me to find happiness like that everyday. Cole and Connor, both live on the west coast and I never see either of them. I don't know why...we all made our choices apparently. I haven't seen Jazz or Morgan or Cedric and I only know bits of their life because of Facebook.  Jill got engaged to Abe. Sterling is working in Alberta still...we all continue and live our lives. I want to believe that if we needed we would be there for each other in a heartbeat.

A quick bit on my life and where I am at right now: I am still attending SFU for my bachelor of arts, thank you Katimavik for helping give me that push. I still have yet to borrow a penny for school, I am lucky enough to be able to budget, work a ton, and live at home to afford that luxury. I do not have the luxury of travel as some of us do, I work to save for school and all of my dreams of travelling are being kept as dreams until I finish my education and have the ability to go out and reach those dreams. We adopted two cats from a shelter because it was always a passion of mine to help animals and adopting seems like a good first step. I know I want to volunteer, but being a full time student and full time worker makes that difficult because my week is always changing. I would love some history volunteer work, I look into museums but where I live makes it hard. I got promoted this year at my work, but I still want job that I will be fulfilled in, not just in it for a pay cheque. I am living my life, I am trying to keep positive happy thoughts. This is my life, its not glamorous running around, but one day I will get to where I need to be and Katimavik helped bring out the best in me.

The crayon box is dead, Katimavik is dead, my friendship with the bestie is dead. Maybe its time to get on with my life... I need to stop being so dramatic. crayon box was a place but now it lives on in everyones thoughts and memories, Katimavik is slowly rising from the ashes, live moves slowly forward.

I am working towards being a person I can be proud of...it's hard work, hopefully it will be worth all of this.

I am trying not to be bitter about things, trying not to be an stereotypical lost twenty something year old, but it's hard. I don't know what I want, I don't know who I want to be...But it's going to be an interesting journey to figure this all out.

Go find adventure!
Keagan. (keagerz.tumblr.com)

                       41164 I am eternally grateful for all you have given me.

Two very long years

“I didn’t realize it, but the days came along one after another, and then two years were gone, and everything was gone, and I was gone.”

 — F. Scott Fitzgerald

So, it's been two years. Two very long years. Katimavik although I am no longer in the program it still affects my life. I'm working on trying to write my "book" as you can see above. It's taking a while but I'm liking how it's looking. It's weird reading this again as I write out my stories and words, it feels as though I didn't write them but I remember stupid little details. I miss them... some days I miss them more than other days. I hate to say this but some days I think about Katimavik and look at our photos and talk to Helena and Willie and Kristen and just get really sad and mopey, then other days I think about Katimavik and nothing... I don't know some days it just makes me so sad and depressed thinking its all over and then other days I'm fine. Weird. But I guess thats with a lot of good things, you have your good memories and bad ones.

So I guess that the big thing that happened this year is that I finally went back to school. My mother was getting pretty distressed that all of her kids weren't going back to school, so I did but I am now grateful that I did. Other than school, I have been truly boring. Trying to work to afford school so I can graduate with little to no student debt, thats pretty much been my life...well that and netflix and tumblr. Seriously my life is pretty weird. All my friends have relationships and I'm just sitting her like I love my laptop...it's my boyfriend. Maybe that will be a goal of mine? To finally experience what it's like to have another human being care so deeply about you...but I guess you cannot plan that happening, I can only wish.

So with my Katima mates...I guess I should write about them. I have no idea what is happening with many of them, I mean I read their facebook but we no longer have our chats. I talk to a few of them Willie, Kristen, occasionally Jill. But I am not fully involved in their lives. Helena is the only one that I know about what's going on in her life. She's living her life and I'm sitting here doing nothing.

Willie did come and see me a few times in the year. I miss that kid, I miss everyone. I just can't exactly bring myself to be like "Hey, let's talk like we used too" it sadly doesn't work like that. I wish I could, but I don't know how they will react to me suddenly being interested. I miss them terribly.

So I still feel very connected with my Katimavik past. It's a part of me completely, I feel like it changed my life. I wear my Katimavik shirt a lot(seriously I'm wearing my got a life shirt as I am writing this) in hopes that I will find more Katimavikers to talk with. I also wear my buttons all the time (which I still have a ton of because I was going to be a recruiter and I haven't gotten rid of them...or given them away to people...) I would love to talk to others about their experience since I can truly relate. I just wanna breathe in others experiences, and just be able to understand how someone feels.

I am now however trying to move on with my life. I am currently attending SFU (Simon Fraser University) I love it there, all my history classes, the teachers/professors. I do wish that I had the social skills however because it would be nice to have one friend. I just can't talk to people so I end up just hiding in a corner and reading. I mean it's nice but not what I truly wanted from university...maybe next semester I will be more outgoing...HA! I am very socially awkward, one of the girls I had class with laughed when I said that and then wanted to "add" me on facebook so maybe I technically have made a friend? That being said it's been two years since I have been in a classroom and two years since I have done homework and everything, it's a lot more difficult than I remember. It's horrible being a straight A student in high school, yet now I mean I get A's and high B's in my first semester of university (which I think it impressive thinking the massive gap that I had and that I have a full time job to try to pay for school) but I still feel that everyone expects me to still be a straight A kid. I love my university, that atmosphere, the classes (the history classes are amazing!), and all the cool things that happen in convocation mall. I'm excited to see what the next semester has in store for me. I am taking a basic French class, I want to be able to speak a second language but...yeah I have never been good at speaking especially in a different language so we shall see what happens.

I still love all my Katimavikers (this was taken from our heart wall, where we posted hearts under peoples names with what we appreciated about them) It's a hard time thinking that this program is "done" I'm hoping that Justin Trudeau will bring it back. Then I will be a Project Leader? Wouldn't that be lovely. Sigh... that would be a lovely career, getting to be part of this program again.

But I guess I will see you guys again in a year. As always you can find me at www.keagerz.tumblr.com I guess this is going to become a thing...I am innately curious, I love finding out what happened to people, the what happened at the end of the story. I mean my story still isn't finished but a year in my life has been crazy wild and amazing. This year has been amazing for me, I'm finally a university kid. Maybe I will be the first person in my family to graduate from a university. I would love to travel. Experience life. I wanna live a crazy and amazing life that no one truly believes was possible. I like to take the side streets of my life, explore every option. That's why I am grateful for an experience like Katimavik, it got me out of my norm. I got to discover who I was and am, that has definitely helped lead me to where I am today. I am happy to be back at university, but I am hoping that before I settle into a career I can travel, live. Breathe in, Breathe out, this is my life and I am glad to have wound up where I am. I am curious to see where this life will lead me.

Thank you Katimavik, 41164.

Down

How do you tell yourself things didn't turn out as planned? Not going to lie, I expected to come home and keep doing Katimavik things, yes I did to a certain extent. My confidence has stayed, my ability to talk to people is slowly reverting back into what it was before, I can still bake bread bagels and buns like no bodies business, I have a sense of being Canadian still, but it's not the same.

Coming home from a scheduled day, to nothing? No job, no real rules, no katima-family, It was weird to say the least. It was awkward when I first came home. Everything was the same but everything was different too. My room was still my room, but it just felt wrong. Where were all the people? You mean this big of a place just for me? Why do I have all of this stuff I don't need it. I got rid of a lot of useless stuff, donated things, cleaned. I wore clothes that hadn't been washed a million times, clothes that didn't have stories, or a million holes.  I ate meals that came out of a box, not made fresh. I didn't go out every night just because. I stayed inside on the computer being a lazy bump on the log. It was...wrong. I wasn't proving that Katimavik was a worthwhile program.

My friends. I felt like I had outgrew them in a way. They had a party for me when I came home, but I just remember sitting there thinking I would rather be in the living room in Quebec with my Katimavik family. They just seemed immature compared to those whom I came to know in Katimavik. There conversations just seemed to be nothing, whereas in Katimavik we had stupid conversations yes, but some nights we would talk about everything. My friends didn't seem to notice that instead of being in the centre of our group I had drifted to the edge and was hanging on there for the life of our friendship. Although I still cling to the wayside they're still my friends, but it's just not the same. Nothing has been the same since Katimavik. My friends and I don't talk the way we used too... some who would tell me everything now barely talk to me. It's hard to say the least.

My family, things are the same with most members. But with my sister, and my brother things are different. Kaitlin and I don't talk the way we used to. Life gets in the way yes, but sometimes I feel she would rather tell everyone but me about her life, it hurts. We used to tell everything to each other but now... it's hard to admit when you drift away from someone. I guess this is what I wanted. I didn't want to lean on my twin anymore, and that's what has happened. We are finally two different people after years of wanting this. But it just feels weird. I don't know if things can ever be the same. Our relationship now is healthier, but it sometimes feels like I have a stranger for a twin. My brother Peter and I are in a better place with our relationship. We used to fight all the time, but now we have a bond. We talk about stupid things, deep things, life. I never expected us to ever be this close but I feel like I can tell him anything now.

I got a job. First with Katimavik being a recruiter which was the best time of my life. Conversations with people who understood me for once. Then I got a real job. Not one that helps animals, or saves the world. I serve coffee at a job I'm not in love with. (It's La Baratte all over again) I get minimum wage, and hate my life. The people there are fantastic though, they make me feel better about slowly dying whenever I'm there.

I've seen some of my Katimavikers, Erin Kelsey Cole and Kristen. Erin when I went to see her new Katimavik group in Burnaby. I taught them how to make bread in their freezing cold house so the bread didn't rise properly. I met Kelsey my penpal (who was in the opposite group of ours) wrote her emails until October when she stopped responding. Saw Cole by himself went to Metrotown talked hugged cried. In the summer I saw Kristen and Cole, it was a nice blast from the past. It made me want to get back into the real world. See people. (See my katimavik group for the people i want to see)

I want to travel. I wanted to be a Project Leader (but now with Katimaviks future up in the air so is that dream alongside it) I wanted to continue being a recruiter for Katimavik (I have pamphlets and buttons and stickers, it was fun) I thought about WOOFING in Alberta, but I know people would be upset if I left again with no plan. I think that's my problem, I have no plan. I've planned everything and now...I'm just sitting here waiting for another thing to fall into my lap. I want to go back to school but I have no motivation. I want so many things but I'm not willing to fight for them right now, I need a kick in the bum to get going.

This year didn't turn out the way I wanted it to but maybe...maybe when I come back and write about this in a year from now it will all be different.

If you're ever curious about where I'm at in my life and cannot wait another year ( keagannagy.tumblr.com ) you can always find me there.

I guess I went through a Katimavik depression, leaving the program is the hardest thing in my life. It changed me as a person forever. I miss it everyday. Katimavik I will make you proud. I will be a better alumni. One day I will proudly say I am a Katimaviker Je suis une Katimaviker

Oh...et ma français est horrible maintenant! Je ne pratique pas maintenant et c'est difficile parce que dans Colombie britannique les personnes ne parlent pas beaucoup de français! Oh mon dieu....un jour j'espère parler la belle langue français, j'aimerais parle en français...

In 2013 Let's choose adventure.

...and learn french? Yes...maybe.