Down

How do you tell yourself things didn't turn out as planned? Not going to lie, I expected to come home and keep doing Katimavik things, yes I did to a certain extent. My confidence has stayed, my ability to talk to people is slowly reverting back into what it was before, I can still bake bread bagels and buns like no bodies business, I have a sense of being Canadian still, but it's not the same.

Coming home from a scheduled day, to nothing? No job, no real rules, no katima-family, It was weird to say the least. It was awkward when I first came home. Everything was the same but everything was different too. My room was still my room, but it just felt wrong. Where were all the people? You mean this big of a place just for me? Why do I have all of this stuff I don't need it. I got rid of a lot of useless stuff, donated things, cleaned. I wore clothes that hadn't been washed a million times, clothes that didn't have stories, or a million holes.  I ate meals that came out of a box, not made fresh. I didn't go out every night just because. I stayed inside on the computer being a lazy bump on the log. It was...wrong. I wasn't proving that Katimavik was a worthwhile program.

My friends. I felt like I had outgrew them in a way. They had a party for me when I came home, but I just remember sitting there thinking I would rather be in the living room in Quebec with my Katimavik family. They just seemed immature compared to those whom I came to know in Katimavik. There conversations just seemed to be nothing, whereas in Katimavik we had stupid conversations yes, but some nights we would talk about everything. My friends didn't seem to notice that instead of being in the centre of our group I had drifted to the edge and was hanging on there for the life of our friendship. Although I still cling to the wayside they're still my friends, but it's just not the same. Nothing has been the same since Katimavik. My friends and I don't talk the way we used too... some who would tell me everything now barely talk to me. It's hard to say the least.

My family, things are the same with most members. But with my sister, and my brother things are different. Kaitlin and I don't talk the way we used to. Life gets in the way yes, but sometimes I feel she would rather tell everyone but me about her life, it hurts. We used to tell everything to each other but now... it's hard to admit when you drift away from someone. I guess this is what I wanted. I didn't want to lean on my twin anymore, and that's what has happened. We are finally two different people after years of wanting this. But it just feels weird. I don't know if things can ever be the same. Our relationship now is healthier, but it sometimes feels like I have a stranger for a twin. My brother Peter and I are in a better place with our relationship. We used to fight all the time, but now we have a bond. We talk about stupid things, deep things, life. I never expected us to ever be this close but I feel like I can tell him anything now.

I got a job. First with Katimavik being a recruiter which was the best time of my life. Conversations with people who understood me for once. Then I got a real job. Not one that helps animals, or saves the world. I serve coffee at a job I'm not in love with. (It's La Baratte all over again) I get minimum wage, and hate my life. The people there are fantastic though, they make me feel better about slowly dying whenever I'm there.

I've seen some of my Katimavikers, Erin Kelsey Cole and Kristen. Erin when I went to see her new Katimavik group in Burnaby. I taught them how to make bread in their freezing cold house so the bread didn't rise properly. I met Kelsey my penpal (who was in the opposite group of ours) wrote her emails until October when she stopped responding. Saw Cole by himself went to Metrotown talked hugged cried. In the summer I saw Kristen and Cole, it was a nice blast from the past. It made me want to get back into the real world. See people. (See my katimavik group for the people i want to see)

I want to travel. I wanted to be a Project Leader (but now with Katimaviks future up in the air so is that dream alongside it) I wanted to continue being a recruiter for Katimavik (I have pamphlets and buttons and stickers, it was fun) I thought about WOOFING in Alberta, but I know people would be upset if I left again with no plan. I think that's my problem, I have no plan. I've planned everything and now...I'm just sitting here waiting for another thing to fall into my lap. I want to go back to school but I have no motivation. I want so many things but I'm not willing to fight for them right now, I need a kick in the bum to get going.

This year didn't turn out the way I wanted it to but maybe...maybe when I come back and write about this in a year from now it will all be different.

If you're ever curious about where I'm at in my life and cannot wait another year ( keagannagy.tumblr.com ) you can always find me there.

I guess I went through a Katimavik depression, leaving the program is the hardest thing in my life. It changed me as a person forever. I miss it everyday. Katimavik I will make you proud. I will be a better alumni. One day I will proudly say I am a Katimaviker Je suis une Katimaviker

Oh...et ma français est horrible maintenant! Je ne pratique pas maintenant et c'est difficile parce que dans Colombie britannique les personnes ne parlent pas beaucoup de français! Oh mon dieu....un jour j'espère parler la belle langue français, j'aimerais parle en français...

In 2013 Let's choose adventure.

...and learn french? Yes...maybe.