Down

How do you tell yourself things didn't turn out as planned? Not going to lie, I expected to come home and keep doing Katimavik things, yes I did to a certain extent. My confidence has stayed, my ability to talk to people is slowly reverting back into what it was before, I can still bake bread bagels and buns like no bodies business, I have a sense of being Canadian still, but it's not the same.

Coming home from a scheduled day, to nothing? No job, no real rules, no katima-family, It was weird to say the least. It was awkward when I first came home. Everything was the same but everything was different too. My room was still my room, but it just felt wrong. Where were all the people? You mean this big of a place just for me? Why do I have all of this stuff I don't need it. I got rid of a lot of useless stuff, donated things, cleaned. I wore clothes that hadn't been washed a million times, clothes that didn't have stories, or a million holes.  I ate meals that came out of a box, not made fresh. I didn't go out every night just because. I stayed inside on the computer being a lazy bump on the log. It was...wrong. I wasn't proving that Katimavik was a worthwhile program.

My friends. I felt like I had outgrew them in a way. They had a party for me when I came home, but I just remember sitting there thinking I would rather be in the living room in Quebec with my Katimavik family. They just seemed immature compared to those whom I came to know in Katimavik. There conversations just seemed to be nothing, whereas in Katimavik we had stupid conversations yes, but some nights we would talk about everything. My friends didn't seem to notice that instead of being in the centre of our group I had drifted to the edge and was hanging on there for the life of our friendship. Although I still cling to the wayside they're still my friends, but it's just not the same. Nothing has been the same since Katimavik. My friends and I don't talk the way we used too... some who would tell me everything now barely talk to me. It's hard to say the least.

My family, things are the same with most members. But with my sister, and my brother things are different. Kaitlin and I don't talk the way we used to. Life gets in the way yes, but sometimes I feel she would rather tell everyone but me about her life, it hurts. We used to tell everything to each other but now... it's hard to admit when you drift away from someone. I guess this is what I wanted. I didn't want to lean on my twin anymore, and that's what has happened. We are finally two different people after years of wanting this. But it just feels weird. I don't know if things can ever be the same. Our relationship now is healthier, but it sometimes feels like I have a stranger for a twin. My brother Peter and I are in a better place with our relationship. We used to fight all the time, but now we have a bond. We talk about stupid things, deep things, life. I never expected us to ever be this close but I feel like I can tell him anything now.

I got a job. First with Katimavik being a recruiter which was the best time of my life. Conversations with people who understood me for once. Then I got a real job. Not one that helps animals, or saves the world. I serve coffee at a job I'm not in love with. (It's La Baratte all over again) I get minimum wage, and hate my life. The people there are fantastic though, they make me feel better about slowly dying whenever I'm there.

I've seen some of my Katimavikers, Erin Kelsey Cole and Kristen. Erin when I went to see her new Katimavik group in Burnaby. I taught them how to make bread in their freezing cold house so the bread didn't rise properly. I met Kelsey my penpal (who was in the opposite group of ours) wrote her emails until October when she stopped responding. Saw Cole by himself went to Metrotown talked hugged cried. In the summer I saw Kristen and Cole, it was a nice blast from the past. It made me want to get back into the real world. See people. (See my katimavik group for the people i want to see)

I want to travel. I wanted to be a Project Leader (but now with Katimaviks future up in the air so is that dream alongside it) I wanted to continue being a recruiter for Katimavik (I have pamphlets and buttons and stickers, it was fun) I thought about WOOFING in Alberta, but I know people would be upset if I left again with no plan. I think that's my problem, I have no plan. I've planned everything and now...I'm just sitting here waiting for another thing to fall into my lap. I want to go back to school but I have no motivation. I want so many things but I'm not willing to fight for them right now, I need a kick in the bum to get going.

This year didn't turn out the way I wanted it to but maybe...maybe when I come back and write about this in a year from now it will all be different.

If you're ever curious about where I'm at in my life and cannot wait another year ( keagannagy.tumblr.com ) you can always find me there.

I guess I went through a Katimavik depression, leaving the program is the hardest thing in my life. It changed me as a person forever. I miss it everyday. Katimavik I will make you proud. I will be a better alumni. One day I will proudly say I am a Katimaviker Je suis une Katimaviker

Oh...et ma français est horrible maintenant! Je ne pratique pas maintenant et c'est difficile parce que dans Colombie britannique les personnes ne parlent pas beaucoup de français! Oh mon dieu....un jour j'espère parler la belle langue français, j'aimerais parle en français...

In 2013 Let's choose adventure.

...and learn french? Yes...maybe.

What I wish I could say to them

The credits roll onto the screen, the hero has saved the day. But what happens next? What happens once the cameras stop filming, what happened to our protagonist? Our curiosity hopes for one thing, although reality strikes back hard.

 It's been a year since I got off the plane, back into the real world. The familiarity of family after six months isn't so familiar but you fall back into an old routine. Habits that you broke in Katimavik, slowly creep back into your horizon. I'm a different person yet again. I thought I was one thing when I left for Katimavik, another once I came home, and yet again I am a completely different being. Don't tell me it's all growing up since we know thats boloney. It hurts when you realize how far away you are as a person from who you wanted to be. I wanted to be a superhero, just once...

 I don't know what to say. It's hard to write about having so much potential and just well giving up on it all. I guess that's why I put it off... Here it goes I guess. I am always curious, what happens? When the person walks off the screen, or the pages end, what happened to them? I'm the annoying kid that asks all the questions "why is the sky blue?" "Why do birds fly?" I'm constantly curious. So whenever I find things that interest me and they just end I'm left there sitting dumbfounded. WHAT HAPPENED?! I guess that's why I'm here, what happened to Keagan, to group 41164? Or are we all to disappear without another word?

 Let's start with the group. After everyone went home, we said we would talk and text and call and all that good stuff. Sure, we did for a few weeks, but then time zones got in the way. We realized it was harder to be together when we all live across the country separated by time zones. I dropped the ball. I'm scared of letting people in, I pushed everyone away. I hurt people, I'm ashamed to say that. It was easy with some both of us didn't talk (Cedric, Sterling, Connor) what could we say to each other? Occasionally a Facebook message, an email, but conversation slowed until it stopped. It wasn't a shock. Others hurt a lot more.

 Morgan and Jill, I think about them constantly but I just don't know what to say...the words we never say. We talk stupid things but none of the deep things we used to say to each other.

 Jazz I love her, I tried but life gets in the way. She has school and work, and a bit of a language barrier (I'm stretching that one, her english is as good as mine). It hurts but I still try because I don't want to lose her. She means so much to me.

 Willie, that ginger. I always call him my ginger, but is he still? I mean our friendships still going strong. We write letters and give each other advice. But I avoid skyping with him, I don't want to disappoint him in what I am. I am a failure. (More on that later) Willie's friendship means the world to me.

 Kristen, I'm a bad friend. She's too insanely nice to me (I've said that since Day 1) She texts me, facebook messages me, everything. Yes, I respond but on my terms. I don't know what to say. I don't want to disappoint her, say I just... I have no words and that's the problem. I'm not sure what to say to people. Then I get scared of disappointing the ones I love and then I say nothing at all which makes them wonder if I just don't want to talk. But then when time goes on and I still haven't worked up the courage to tell them I get scared. I don't want them to be mad at me for missing their calls and such. So I start to avoid them, but the vicious circle just continues.

 Helena. I feel like I disappoint her the most. I just can't find the words. Which for me is saying a lot. I always have something to say...but lately I'm just drawing a blank. I don't mean to hurt people, but it's easier to push them away instead of tell them how much of a disappointment you've become.

 But I'm getting better. I'm trying, which is all people can ask of me. I've put my hand out for conversations, but I have to re-establish relationships slowly otherwise they will fall apart again. I miss them all, but its hard to tell them how much you really do need them.

 What's going on in my life? Well that's another story. Grab a cup of tea and get ready.