What I wish I could say to them

The credits roll onto the screen, the hero has saved the day. But what happens next? What happens once the cameras stop filming, what happened to our protagonist? Our curiosity hopes for one thing, although reality strikes back hard.

 It's been a year since I got off the plane, back into the real world. The familiarity of family after six months isn't so familiar but you fall back into an old routine. Habits that you broke in Katimavik, slowly creep back into your horizon. I'm a different person yet again. I thought I was one thing when I left for Katimavik, another once I came home, and yet again I am a completely different being. Don't tell me it's all growing up since we know thats boloney. It hurts when you realize how far away you are as a person from who you wanted to be. I wanted to be a superhero, just once...

 I don't know what to say. It's hard to write about having so much potential and just well giving up on it all. I guess that's why I put it off... Here it goes I guess. I am always curious, what happens? When the person walks off the screen, or the pages end, what happened to them? I'm the annoying kid that asks all the questions "why is the sky blue?" "Why do birds fly?" I'm constantly curious. So whenever I find things that interest me and they just end I'm left there sitting dumbfounded. WHAT HAPPENED?! I guess that's why I'm here, what happened to Keagan, to group 41164? Or are we all to disappear without another word?

 Let's start with the group. After everyone went home, we said we would talk and text and call and all that good stuff. Sure, we did for a few weeks, but then time zones got in the way. We realized it was harder to be together when we all live across the country separated by time zones. I dropped the ball. I'm scared of letting people in, I pushed everyone away. I hurt people, I'm ashamed to say that. It was easy with some both of us didn't talk (Cedric, Sterling, Connor) what could we say to each other? Occasionally a Facebook message, an email, but conversation slowed until it stopped. It wasn't a shock. Others hurt a lot more.

 Morgan and Jill, I think about them constantly but I just don't know what to say...the words we never say. We talk stupid things but none of the deep things we used to say to each other.

 Jazz I love her, I tried but life gets in the way. She has school and work, and a bit of a language barrier (I'm stretching that one, her english is as good as mine). It hurts but I still try because I don't want to lose her. She means so much to me.

 Willie, that ginger. I always call him my ginger, but is he still? I mean our friendships still going strong. We write letters and give each other advice. But I avoid skyping with him, I don't want to disappoint him in what I am. I am a failure. (More on that later) Willie's friendship means the world to me.

 Kristen, I'm a bad friend. She's too insanely nice to me (I've said that since Day 1) She texts me, facebook messages me, everything. Yes, I respond but on my terms. I don't know what to say. I don't want to disappoint her, say I just... I have no words and that's the problem. I'm not sure what to say to people. Then I get scared of disappointing the ones I love and then I say nothing at all which makes them wonder if I just don't want to talk. But then when time goes on and I still haven't worked up the courage to tell them I get scared. I don't want them to be mad at me for missing their calls and such. So I start to avoid them, but the vicious circle just continues.

 Helena. I feel like I disappoint her the most. I just can't find the words. Which for me is saying a lot. I always have something to say...but lately I'm just drawing a blank. I don't mean to hurt people, but it's easier to push them away instead of tell them how much of a disappointment you've become.

 But I'm getting better. I'm trying, which is all people can ask of me. I've put my hand out for conversations, but I have to re-establish relationships slowly otherwise they will fall apart again. I miss them all, but its hard to tell them how much you really do need them.

 What's going on in my life? Well that's another story. Grab a cup of tea and get ready.