9 years and counting

 Okay, hold up. This year has been absolutely nuts, and for even surviving it we deserve all of the praise. I don't care if all you did was survive this year, we're living through a pandemic. I know this year has been hard. I know next year will be hard. I know that it doesn't seem like this but in a few years Covid won't even seem real anymore. That's the hope isn't it.

(My Quarantine Birthday in May)

What did I do this year? This has been the worlds longest and shortest year ever. I was going through the normal year, working at my non-profit part time and just riding the waves. Then March hit. I feel like everyone knows that feeling. Being told that you no longer have a job. I haven't not had a job since Katimavik ended. That's a weird sentence. I was lucky, I was able to return to work in late July after having been laid off in March. It was weird being off that long, like I felt like I should have been productive but I could barely find the motivation to function as a human. That is where I find my camaraderie with others. The feeling of hopelessness, lack of motivation, and just what next. I didn't know, I still don't know what's next. It's honestly like trying to live through the waves right now. I can't even see my identical twin sister, we haven't been apart this long since again Katimavik.

(Setting up social distance signs at work)

This year I had goals and plans yeah, but honestly at this point, I survived a year in a pandemic. I'm pretty proud of myself for being able to accomplish that. I struggled with a lot of things this year in relation to the pandemic but I'm still here. Maybe I can have my hot girl summer next year, or the year after that.

(At the pumpkin patch before lockdown restrictions came down like a hammer)

I don't want to sound like I'm bitter. This year hasn't been the year any of us predicted but I did have a lot of small victories if I look back. I PAID OFF MY STUDENT DEBT, I'm moving out of my parents house next month, I started baking breads and such like in Katimavik, I started greatly appreciating the small moments with people when I got them, I learned what I need versus what I want, I learned that I can live in a pandemic (not well, but I can live), I learned that for an introvert I do crave a lot more human interaction than I previously thought.

I'm still thinking about 41164. One got married and bought a house?! Another bought a house?! One is very active politically and vocal about what they believe in. Thats just on the surface what I get to see. I hope they are doing well. I miss them a lot, and this year has made me think a lot about them. It also makes me wonder how the new Katimavik groups have been fairing during this crazy year.

Thank you 41164, for still 9 years later giving me memories and a shining example of the person that I want to be and put forward into the world.

Next year will be 10 years since the program ended. That's absolutely mad. (I am still thinking of dropping everything to become a Project Leader...one day).

Find me as usual on instagram if you wanna see more of my face @keagannagy

2019! 8 years since it all ended.

Holy crow! It's been 8 years since Katimavik ended. Usually I have been thinking about what I am going to be writing here in November. This year, I just couldn't, didn't? I don't know why I just couldn't bring myself to write anything.

(My friends and I celebrating our birthdays in May 2019)

My life has been the same. I've been working at the same non-profit which is the Pitt Meadows Museum. I absolutely love it, and I wish that I could do it full time, but the joys of non-profits are that  they never have all the funding you wish they would have. I got to write an article for our local newspaper ( https://www.mapleridgenews.com/community/looking-back-wellington-harris-lent-his-name-to-pitt-meadows-road/ ), I mostly run the museums facebook page writing the Memory Lane Mondays and the Artifact Out of the Box posts, I help run the Museum Sunday program which is where we get to do crafts with little kids, and I get to do all the scanning, accessioning, and other daily museum tasks that need to be done. Damn, does the Morrin Centre wish they had me as their volunteer now?!

My family life has been crazy too. My twin got married to my best friend and graduated university, my sister had a baby, my brother proposed to his long-time girlfriend. Babies and relationships are still waiting for me in the horizon I hope, but I have to work on myself first. I also have to improve my self worth as well.

The Katimavik family has had a lot of crazy things happen, baby, proposals, all of that good stuff. Haven't been fully part of it except via facebook. I wish we were more talkative but we aren't, that okay I suppose. 

I was thinking what I could do to have my blog be more positive, and for me to think about all the good things that have happened to me. When I found the weird ten year challenge it made me realize that I have done a lot in the past decade.

(2019-taken in May 2019 and 2009-taken in January 2009)

What have I done in the past decade?

-Participated in the Coquitlam Outdoor School Term (C.O.A.S.T.) where we did things like camping trips (including winter camping), a biking trip where we did 60 km in a day?!, hiking the Devils Staircase, ocean kayaking, Canoeing the circuit of Bowron Lakes, being a summer camp leader-2009

-Graduated High school with honours-2011

-Participated in this crazy program called Katimavik - 2011

-Worked at SnotroH Mit for four years to pay off the majority of my degree - 2012-2016

-Graduated University with a degree in History and concentration in British Studies-2017

-Worked at the Pitt Meadows Museum and Archives - 2016-currently

There has also been countless other adventures that I couldn't even start to name and describe. 2009 me was 15/16 years old looking onto the expanse that was my future and had barely even started dreaming of Katimavik. I didn't know where I wanted to go or do, now I know what I want to do with my life and have my foot in the door (MUSEUMS!!). I mean the other pro is that my face finally figured out it didn't want to be a pizza anymore 😂. I still have a lot of learning and growing to be and 2009 Keagan would hopefully be proud of me? I want to keep getting better and being the better version of myself. It takes a lot of effort but in the end it will be worth bettering myself. 

Onwards to 2020!

Find my daily life on instagram @keagannagy

Seven Years (Seven is a lucky number right?!)

Can you believe it’s been seven years since I came home from Katimavik?! I did it, I had conquered the world in a way only little 18-year-old me could think. I had lived with 11 strangers who became a family, I lived away from my family in two different provinces for longer than even I thought possible, I thought I was a ready-made adult ready to take on the real world. Oh, Boy was I sure wrong.

(A picture of me on Katimavik colours day- January 26, 2018)

It's that funny thing, once you have done something you originally believed to be so impossible, you have a sort of power. You believe in yourself, hold your head up a little higher, relish in small delights and triumphs, Katimavik taught me many things and I am eternally grateful for all of them. Let me be clear, I do not think I would be where I am without Katimavik, that program was insanely beneficial to me and I hope that more youth can have the opportunity to be a part of it, to "get a life". However, when life keeps seemingly kicking you down, you wonder if you made the best of your opportunities. You always seem to appreciate things more once you have left them forever, perhaps it is because it touches you in such a way that you are never able to fully comprehend and one day you realize how important it was.

What have I been up to since last year?...Hmm it feels like nothing. The eternal job search, to find something that calls to me and that I would be able to love and have a joy to go to work every day. I am lucky that the museum that I still work at does that for me, unluckily for me is the fact that it is only part-time and I cannot survive on three days a week and be an adult. I mean I have to eventually find my place in all this, right? Katimavik taught me that if I can just do something that makes a difference in the world or even one singular person I will be happy. I just want a job that allows me to be passionate, to be creative, to feel valued, but I suppose that is what everyone wants. Hopefully this time next year I will be writing about finding my place, finding a job.

I haven't heard much from 41164, but their lives are trucking along. I get to glimpse it from afar on Facebook. It's hard, seeing photos of them smiling and living their lives and realizing that I will probably never get to be a part of that again. I want to be. I used to know these people so intimately that we were like siblings, now? Now I don't even know what makes them happy, what drives them, what pushes them. I miss it. Willie, Cole, Cedric, Sterling, Connor, Morgan, Kristen, Jill, Helena, Jazz, what are they up to? Do they miss me? I just hope they're all happy, and from my small glances it seems like they are, but social media also distorts reality so who knows.

My personal life had become a shit show too. I started dating, and that blew up in my face. He seemed nice but everyone around me hated him and he became so toxic. It wasn't healthy, it was alienating and I let it be because I was just tired of being lonely. Loneliness and feelings of unworthiness are such powerful emotions that often whitewash the reality of situations.  I'm still looking to find my place, and who wants to be a part of my life. It didn't end so well, but hey at least I learned who my true friends were. The first red flag should have been that he was jealous of Willie, like who could be jealous of him? He saw letters that I have kept that Willie wrote and drew, and then got jealous, possessive and competitive. I just never think of myself as someone worth having, but I just need to work on that before I try bringing someone else into my life. Maybe I just feel like I'm falling behind. All my friends are engaged, and my twin sister is getting married next year. So it's just this feeling of everyone seemingly getting their lives together and mine is still just pieces that I am trying to figure out how they all go together.

2019. I hope it is a better year. It has to be. Right? My sister is getting married, graduating from university, and moving out with her fiancee, and I am still here. But you know, I just have to keep facing forward and pushing through. Life is hard but with the right people, I can create a good life and one that I enjoy living. I just need to bring back some Katimavik magic into my life. That sounds like a great solution, I need Katimavik ideals back into my life. What would 18 year old me tell 25 year old me? That's how I want to live 2019, making 18 year old me happy.

(My sister, her fiance, and myself-Yes, I went through the "I have no idea what to do with my life, let's chop off all your hair" phase)

As always, you can donate to the newest Katimavik volunteers and help fund their own journey here (https://katimavik.org/en/its-better-together/support-a-katimavik-volunteer/ ) They're going to write stories of their own, and if you can be a small part of that story and do some good then why wouldn't you?

2019, I want it to be bigger and better. I want to live up to my own dreams, I want to be proud of myself and have more confidence. I want to be true to myself and not to anyone else. It's going to be hard, but I have worked too hard to just lie down and let myself go. 18 year old me has to give me a kick in the butt. Onwards and Upwards Right?

(Me on my 25th Birthday, the sign behind says "If you can dream it, you can do it")

See you guys next year! <3

Help a Volunteer Out!

Katimavik Volunteers/Participants now have to raise $1,000 in order to participate in the program. Now I don't know about you but it's a BIG challenge for some kids (for a ton of reasons, anxiety, introverts for example) to raise that amount.

Now I know that some people might come across my blog and wonder what they can do for these kids. Well, Let me tell you. If you go to --> HERE <-- you can support the next generation of Katimavikers! As of this post over half of these volunteers have nothing funded (according to their page, obviously I don't know their personal situation). So skip a coffee, ride your bike instead of taking the bus, every dollar helps.

I don't know, maybe you enjoyed my blog while I was away on my Katimavik journey and want to return the favour to someone else, kinda like a pay it forward situation? Perhaps you can donate to these kids with the knowledge that they will have life-changing journeys


Hey, I can give you something exciting? Yes? Does that work. I ask you to fund these new volunteers so I should give you something in return. How about some more stories? (I went through my groups' photos *obviously not all of them*) These all have some more stories that I will share below

Okay, so this photo is just a classic Katimavik photo. It's our first attempt at making bread! We were pretty successful... considering none of us had ever made bread before. We all worked in pairs, and Sterling and Willie named their bread "Bruce Willis". (Also another plug here, the Katimavik alumni are looking to make a cookbook for the new volunteers! If you have recipes from your time you can email them to alumni.ancient@katimavik.org until May 20th, 2018) 

Here are our last fleeting moments in Lethbridge. We presented Erin (our PL) with a card and gifts and such. Willie, Sterling, and Connor wrote her a song, and it was just a super emotional night. I remember just running around like crazy. Just before the bus (the moment that I remember) is that we were all laying on the front lawn with our heads on each other's stomachs and one of us just started laughing and it was a laughter chain. The last few weeks of Lethbridge have to be one of my favourite moments of the program, I felt like I was finally coming into my own and thriving.

We all went to a "fancy" dinner to celebrate our time in Lethbridge. It was at a Chinese Restaurant in downtown (I remember it being across from Galt Gardens). It was weird because we hadn't gone out as a giant group for a while, and it was nice to relax and enjoy each others company for the last few moments.

Here we are in Lake Louise. I am laughing my butt off because Morgan was telling me something about how I was being too serious (I think...doesn't really matter). So he gets down on one knee and starts to pretend to propose to me, keeps pulling my hand/hoodie towards him and I just can't help but laugh and Jills laughing at me. If you notice me red in the face it's because I am awkward in social situations!

This was a fascinating night? Canmore or Medicine Hat (I'm leaning towards Canmore) came to visit so they camped out in our backyard. We all volunteered at the BMX event in Lethbridge that weekend. We had a fire in our fire pit and brought out all these random chairs (can you see our beautiful sofa! We hauled that from the basement!) We made smores, played werewolf (still one of my favourite games), and we just enjoyed being young adults brought together by this weird program.

I picked this one for two reasons. 1) We had races through this giant inflatable maze thing that we were running at the Pumpkin Fest while we waited for the event to actually start. It was so much fun! I liked that we got to actually play with this thing before we had to get down to work. And 2) If you didn't already know, I'm a really white person. So do you see that tan I am rocking? Yes (if not the hints on my hobbit feet where you can see tan lines) well working at Birds of Prey in the sun all summer I wore the same length pants every day. Well...I didn't even think about it at the time and you're probably thinking huh? Well...tan lines are a thing. I had the weirdest tan line on my calf, like a leg farmers tan. It was awful. A year after Katimavik I still had the weird tan line on my leg!

This last one is my absolute favourite! It's blurry like that night. We had a traveling bard type figure named Andre who stayed with us a few nights (I honestly don't fully remember why) and he led us through a workshop. But we all decided to see if we could all fit into one of our bunk beds. Well Helena and I were originally sitting in my bed, and just one by one more people kept coming into the girls' room and before we knew it everyone was packed into my bed! See when kids get bored they come up with weird solutions! So for future reference (take note new volunteers) in those bunk beds, you can fit 11 volunteers, 1 traveling bard, and 1 Project Leader!

I've realized that all of these moments come from our time in Lethbridge...Maybe if I do this again I will focus on Quebec. I have to admit there's a ton of stories that I just didn't have the time or didn't think we're interesting/appropriate.

Donate to the new volunteers!

*Also new volunteers, I am totally 100% willing to answer your questions if you're reading this...I'm a real person that is wanting to help you in any way possible!*

#KatimavikIsBack

WHAT?! I have to admit when I saw the post on Facebook this morning I was a little skeptical. Like I would open it and it would be a twist of the truth like it was back but not really.

Click here for the official announcement of the return of Katimavik
Click here to see the video making the announcement

How do I get involved?! Let's hope that there will be a Katima-house around here. Not gonna lie if I could be a PL (Project Leader) I would immediately. Is that even a remote possibility? Also, can I still use the slang like PL or PSL or Katima-anything?

I'm so excited! This program was an amazing journey for me and I am so thankful that other youth will now get to experience this again.

(Cole, Jazz, Helena and I at Pumpkin Fest September 2011-Lethbridge)

You have left the group.

     Do you ever get this bit of nostalgia? You find a hand-written note with some inside joke, or a Facebook memory from six years ago pops up. For a moment you can relive that memory, all the love, hope, wanting, regret. But its just a moment. You can never have the memory back as whole as it once was. That's how I feel about Katimavik. It's like finding small notes that you had written to yourself but it feels like a stranger wrote these words, and the words seem cryptic. I honestly feel like such a different person than I was when I did Katimavik, but I also feel like I'm standing at the same cliff that I was at before I started the program. That fear of whats next.

(Group 41164 during our first week July 2011 in Galt Gardens)

     Its been far too long. Six years. Let that sink in now. This time six years ago I was sitting in an airport freaking out about meeting my family for the first time in six months, I was crying so hard because I didn't want to leave my Katima family. I started thinking about applying for Katimavik when I was in the ninth grade, and I started just after graduating high school, so about four years. I've been out of the program for longer than I thought about doing the program. It's weird to think about it like that. Time is just weird to me. 

     The band will never be back together. That's my guess. We're all so different now. I haven't talked to anyone in a very long time, I'm still upset with how some things ended with some of them, or I guess didn't end. But will I rectify this? No. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that silence and strangers seem to be the new reality. It's quite sad really but its true. I miss them, but I miss them as I knew them in 2011, who are they now? Okay, that's a bit melodramatic but come on, does creeping them on social media make a relationship? No. I feel like the creepy ex who just sits and cries at their Facebook pages wondering what happened. 

Whats new in my world? In the last year, what have I gotten up to...

(My graduation day!)

     I finally graduated University! I got my Bachelor of Arts as a History major with a concentration in British Studies. I only took out a small loan for my last year of studies because I wanted to be able to volunteer and just not hate my job. It's weird to think that I am the first of ALL my siblings to get a university degree. It still doesn't feel like it happened...like I'm a fraud? Is that weird, I just... it feels like even though I worked so hard and long for my degree it feels as though I have tricked my school into giving me my degree. Like I don't deserve it? LIke ahaha I have tricked you all. It's hard to step back and tell myself that I DO deserve it, that I worked hard and earned it. 

     Maybe the whole fraud thing has to do with the fact that I still cannot find a job within my field. I want to work in a museum or heritage or literally anything historical. Can I find this magic job...No. I've been looking and nothing. It's hard. I want a full-time job, I want to love what I do, I want to believe that my degree will help me with that. It's just hard when you feel like nothing is working for you. I just don't want to have to go back to my terrible old job but the reality is if I cannot find a job soon that might be the most practical possibility.  I know I'm a hard worker, I know that if someone will just give me that chance that I can prove to them that they hired a passionate, driven, and hardworking young woman.

(Graduation Celebration for myself and a volunteer at the Museum)

     I am still working/volunteering at the Pitt Meadows Museum. I love it there so much. I have done some amazing things there this year. The biggest was I got to help create and develop an exhibit for Canada at 150. That was amazing, especially when you get to see all of your hard work pay off in such a wonderful way. The exhibit was based on who we thought were influential Canadians, and all the staff got to pick a few people. I picked Emily Carr, Terry Fox, John McCrae, W.A.C. Bennett, and Pierre Trudeau. I also get to work on the children's programs, I (along with my favourite coworker) get to plan out the Museum Sunday programs. I never thought I would enjoy working with kids so much but its surprising even me. Makes me wonder what would have happened had I worked at the Family Centre in Lethbridge. This museum has been one of the greatest things ever, it's given me a place where I feel like I belong, I love what I am able to do there, and I love being there. This place is creating pretty high expectations for my forever job. I want a career in this.

(The Emily Carr portion of the display for Canada at 150)

     My sister got married this year, my other sister got engaged, and then there's me. It feels like everyone is moving on with their lives except me. I just feel stuck again like I cannot move forward and I don't want to go backward. I felt this way after I finished high school. The whats next? Where is my path headed? Can I do this? Then I left for Katimavik. But now feeling this way again, I don't have the luxury of this magical program again. I have to deal with the real world which isn't brightly coloured with Katimavik optimism.  What do I do now? What should my next step be? I feel so lost. 

                    Where do I go?

                         What does my path look like?

Where will I be five years from now?

     I want to live a life that I can feel proud of, a life that 2011 Keagan would love, a life that I can make my own. I just need to find this light to light my way again. Katimavik was my light after high school, what will be my light after University? I guess we shall see. This isn't really an optimistic note to end on now is it? I'm honestly more lost than I have been in my life. What do I do now? What is right for me? Will I find answers in 2018? 2019? 2020? Is there an answer? My life is a lot of coming to a cliff (Maybe I like that image the best) where every decision seems to change my life completely if I jump, if I stay, but the reality is that moving forward is always inevitable. I'm always moving forward.

Five years

It's weird to think that it has been five years since my Katimavik experience ended. Every time that I try to think about that and wrap my head around that I am not able to. Katimavik changed me. I wouldn't be the person I am today without this program. It helped give me focus, show me what I wanted (mostly) with my life, teach me how to be an adult and a functioning member of society. Katimavik was one of the best moments of my young life. I will end this on a positive note.

September 2011 in front of Lake Louise

Everyone in my group is doing well. Its quite obvious that some have gotten their lives together, and I'm proud of them. I miss them. We interact like most people over Facebook, a like here, a message there, but not much. It's sad. I messed up with my relationship with them. I want to talk to them. I miss them, they understood me but the question is would they understand me now? 

I'm proud of what I have been able to do this year. I left a job that I have hated (four years to get through school) and was able to be a part of a job that I loved. This summer I was lucky and I was able to work at a museum which is what I have always wanted to do. Although it was only for the summer it helped me realize what I want to do. If you want to read what I wrote about that experience you can read it on their blog (http://www.pittmeadowsmuseum.com/single-post/2016/08/11/Keagan-Rocks-the-Collections) Luckily I still volunteer at the museum and am trying to just breathe in and enjoy the experience!

My two best friends and myself this summer

I have finally been able to say that I am proud of where I am heading. 2017 is my year. By the end of 2017 I will be graduating (With a bachelor of art, major in history, with a concentration in British and Irish studies). I have a plaque that is going to be produced for the city of Vancouver (http://citystudiovancouver.com/projects/history/ My video is the Canadian Pacific Railway one), I will have helped produce an exhibit for the Pitt Meadows Museum for Canada's 150th anniversary, I will finally be able to move on from university and start my life (hopefully within a museum environment). It's terrifying, exhilarating, nerve-wracking, exciting, and so many more emotions that I cannot even begin to describe. 

Thank you Katimavik, my life would have no direction without the push that you gave me. I am the first member of my family that will graduate university. I want to experience my country once I graduate, see Alberta again, touch the Atlantic Ocean, visit Ottawa, See Northern Canada).

Katimavik, you are my everything, everyday I think about how much of an impact this program has had on my life. Everyday I think of the people that touched my life during this program. 

41164. I cannot imagine my life without your influence. I miss you.

If you want to find me you can always find me on tumblr ( keagerz.tumblr.com ) and maybe next year I will be writing again. It's nice to be able to reflect on my year, on my life, on where I am going. My life is coming together, I'm working on being happy. I'm working on me.

Are you guys ready to celebrate Canada's 150th?

Positive note.

Donate to Katimavik

https://katimavik.org/en/donate/

You can help donate to help support Katimavik and its resurrection, the best zombie moment of this year! Help a program that has done so much for Canada and its youth!

See y'all in about a month for my once a year life update!

4 years ago...

I came home from Katimavik four years ago today. Now I didn't even know if I would write this blogpost, in my head it's been four years who would want to read it? Would I even want to write it? I don't know if I even have words anymore. I've hit the third year blues in my university career, and its just that slump. But I've been trying to be more productive and active this year, it's difficult when all I want to do is stay in  my little isolationist bubble. I was trying to think of all thats been accomplished and its impressive, once you include all my Katima-mates and myself. Two of them are going through large life changes (Its not my place to say what it is), One graduated university, one went back to university, and it seems like everyone is getting their lives together and becoming productive adults with lives and jobs of their owns. I feel like I'm still stuck but maybe that will change once I graduate from university and find my way in the world. But I finally declared my major yesterday so History major here I go! Maybe I will end up working for the Canadian government with the ministry of heritage.

 I wanted to try to get back into volunteering this year. I've been so focused on school and work and paying for school, that its hard to get out of that mindset. This year I was an welcome leader (orientation) at university. It was really fun and made me miss the weekends in Katimavik that we would group volunteer together. I'm going to continue doing this, and I am trying to be more active and conscious citizen/student.

 I wanted to make jam this year, so my mother taught me how to make it. We picked up local BC produce and made strawberry, raspberry, and blackberries. It ended up feeling very Katimavik and we have plans to extend our canning next year to include things like pickles (my billet in quebec made lovely pickles) and more jam.

This year Justin Trudeau was elected! It was an interesting night in my household as some members of my family were NDP and then the other half were Liberal. I hope that it gives a glimmer of hope towards the return of this wonderful program. I am glad that our voices were heard in this election, and it shows that Canadians can affect change.









My blog always ends up being depressing I find. I relate that I wish I could go back to Katimavik where life seemed easier where this group of friends would never be seperated. In my head it seems that as the years go by we all watch facebook to see whats going on with our friends but we never say "Hey...whats going on in your life lately?" It's just sad. I miss it, but there is no going back to that place. Its just enough for us to remember it and remember what happened. Katimavik is important to those who were a part of it and it helped define us. Now its a matter of moving away from Katimavik being the only thing that defines us. What defines me? Thats a question I'm still working on answering.

Until next year.

We are ghosts of who we once were.

It's been three very long years. I'm about to be an emotional blob, get out while you still can (goodness knows I wish I could). You're supposed to sandwich while writing, good, bad and then good that way readers have something to hook them and then they're emotionally invested hit them with the bad stuff and then follow with more good stuff to lighten the mood. Let's be honest though, if you're reading this you're already invested. I don't need to hook you, I just need to tell you...

                              We are ghosts of who we once were.

Vague personifications of our Katimavik self. It's still under all the changes, underneath is what who we were when we were in the program. Revealing our souls to the ones we love. Time changes us, destroys what we once loved. It's hard not to love someone once you found out who they are underneath it all, their pain, suffering, happiness, pride. The person they are inside...I don't know how to write this. I have pondered, fretted, stressed about how I would bring justice to the third year anniversary of my completion of this program. But this is the year everything blew up in my face.

I found a post on tumblr a while ago that sums up my feelings for some of the things that have happened this year.

How do you know when it's over?
         "Maybe when you feel more in love with the memories than with the person standing in front of you"

I don't even know how to talk about this. I always have words...but I don't...I keep hurting myself by reading the emails she sent me when we were fighting when we first returned home and I was trying to get myself back into the world. (I kept everything). Maybe if I keep ripping open the wound fresh for all to see.. maybe I would hurt myself into...feeling something. I'm the Queen of passive aggressiveness she once told me...but I'm hurting inside and out. If I keep showing myself the bad times maybe it will help...no I'm just an ass hole. I don't know what to say. I have a ruined friendship because of...well I don't know exactly. We weren't besties...It was like meeting a stranger. I kept telling myself it would be like what it was...I was hoping...But two and a half years is a long time. I told everyone that my best friend was coming...And whenever anyone asked me how the visit was it broke me. How do you tell yourself that you and your best friend had changed. How do you come to terms with that? We should have gotten to know each other again, the outside world had changed us and we weren't ready to meet again in person...At least we shouldn't have thought it would be exactly the same as it was. Too much too soon is what I keep telling myself. Is it correct I don't know...I don't know anything...Everyone asks me what now, are you still friends? I don't know...I still care deeply about her...but... maybe I am better being a part of their lives from a distance. Is that selfish? I don't want to get hurt again.

Although that truly broke my heart, we grow up, we fix our wounds and carry on. If we allow ourselves to fall, that is when we are broken.

This is life. Kristen is now attending the same university that I am... I have seen her once. I don't have the motivation to visit people, I can only have so much social time in one day. Most people understand this, but some...some people just think I'm anti-social and a jerk. Willie I have seen that kid a few times when he comes to visit his family in Vancouver. He is amazing, we were writing letters back and forth for a while...maybe I should write him another letter. He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met, and I feel like he gets me. I see him whenever I get a chance. We talk about things that matter to us. My mother says that she likes the way I smile when I hear from him, that I am truly happy when I get letters from him or when I see him. I think she wants me to find happiness like that everyday. Cole and Connor, both live on the west coast and I never see either of them. I don't know why...we all made our choices apparently. I haven't seen Jazz or Morgan or Cedric and I only know bits of their life because of Facebook.  Jill got engaged to Abe. Sterling is working in Alberta still...we all continue and live our lives. I want to believe that if we needed we would be there for each other in a heartbeat.

A quick bit on my life and where I am at right now: I am still attending SFU for my bachelor of arts, thank you Katimavik for helping give me that push. I still have yet to borrow a penny for school, I am lucky enough to be able to budget, work a ton, and live at home to afford that luxury. I do not have the luxury of travel as some of us do, I work to save for school and all of my dreams of travelling are being kept as dreams until I finish my education and have the ability to go out and reach those dreams. We adopted two cats from a shelter because it was always a passion of mine to help animals and adopting seems like a good first step. I know I want to volunteer, but being a full time student and full time worker makes that difficult because my week is always changing. I would love some history volunteer work, I look into museums but where I live makes it hard. I got promoted this year at my work, but I still want job that I will be fulfilled in, not just in it for a pay cheque. I am living my life, I am trying to keep positive happy thoughts. This is my life, its not glamorous running around, but one day I will get to where I need to be and Katimavik helped bring out the best in me.

The crayon box is dead, Katimavik is dead, my friendship with the bestie is dead. Maybe its time to get on with my life... I need to stop being so dramatic. crayon box was a place but now it lives on in everyones thoughts and memories, Katimavik is slowly rising from the ashes, live moves slowly forward.

I am working towards being a person I can be proud of...it's hard work, hopefully it will be worth all of this.

I am trying not to be bitter about things, trying not to be an stereotypical lost twenty something year old, but it's hard. I don't know what I want, I don't know who I want to be...But it's going to be an interesting journey to figure this all out.

Go find adventure!
Keagan. (keagerz.tumblr.com)

                       41164 I am eternally grateful for all you have given me.

Two very long years

“I didn’t realize it, but the days came along one after another, and then two years were gone, and everything was gone, and I was gone.”

 — F. Scott Fitzgerald

So, it's been two years. Two very long years. Katimavik although I am no longer in the program it still affects my life. I'm working on trying to write my "book" as you can see above. It's taking a while but I'm liking how it's looking. It's weird reading this again as I write out my stories and words, it feels as though I didn't write them but I remember stupid little details. I miss them... some days I miss them more than other days. I hate to say this but some days I think about Katimavik and look at our photos and talk to Helena and Willie and Kristen and just get really sad and mopey, then other days I think about Katimavik and nothing... I don't know some days it just makes me so sad and depressed thinking its all over and then other days I'm fine. Weird. But I guess thats with a lot of good things, you have your good memories and bad ones.

So I guess that the big thing that happened this year is that I finally went back to school. My mother was getting pretty distressed that all of her kids weren't going back to school, so I did but I am now grateful that I did. Other than school, I have been truly boring. Trying to work to afford school so I can graduate with little to no student debt, thats pretty much been my life...well that and netflix and tumblr. Seriously my life is pretty weird. All my friends have relationships and I'm just sitting her like I love my laptop...it's my boyfriend. Maybe that will be a goal of mine? To finally experience what it's like to have another human being care so deeply about you...but I guess you cannot plan that happening, I can only wish.

So with my Katima mates...I guess I should write about them. I have no idea what is happening with many of them, I mean I read their facebook but we no longer have our chats. I talk to a few of them Willie, Kristen, occasionally Jill. But I am not fully involved in their lives. Helena is the only one that I know about what's going on in her life. She's living her life and I'm sitting here doing nothing.

Willie did come and see me a few times in the year. I miss that kid, I miss everyone. I just can't exactly bring myself to be like "Hey, let's talk like we used too" it sadly doesn't work like that. I wish I could, but I don't know how they will react to me suddenly being interested. I miss them terribly.

So I still feel very connected with my Katimavik past. It's a part of me completely, I feel like it changed my life. I wear my Katimavik shirt a lot(seriously I'm wearing my got a life shirt as I am writing this) in hopes that I will find more Katimavikers to talk with. I also wear my buttons all the time (which I still have a ton of because I was going to be a recruiter and I haven't gotten rid of them...or given them away to people...) I would love to talk to others about their experience since I can truly relate. I just wanna breathe in others experiences, and just be able to understand how someone feels.

I am now however trying to move on with my life. I am currently attending SFU (Simon Fraser University) I love it there, all my history classes, the teachers/professors. I do wish that I had the social skills however because it would be nice to have one friend. I just can't talk to people so I end up just hiding in a corner and reading. I mean it's nice but not what I truly wanted from university...maybe next semester I will be more outgoing...HA! I am very socially awkward, one of the girls I had class with laughed when I said that and then wanted to "add" me on facebook so maybe I technically have made a friend? That being said it's been two years since I have been in a classroom and two years since I have done homework and everything, it's a lot more difficult than I remember. It's horrible being a straight A student in high school, yet now I mean I get A's and high B's in my first semester of university (which I think it impressive thinking the massive gap that I had and that I have a full time job to try to pay for school) but I still feel that everyone expects me to still be a straight A kid. I love my university, that atmosphere, the classes (the history classes are amazing!), and all the cool things that happen in convocation mall. I'm excited to see what the next semester has in store for me. I am taking a basic French class, I want to be able to speak a second language but...yeah I have never been good at speaking especially in a different language so we shall see what happens.

I still love all my Katimavikers (this was taken from our heart wall, where we posted hearts under peoples names with what we appreciated about them) It's a hard time thinking that this program is "done" I'm hoping that Justin Trudeau will bring it back. Then I will be a Project Leader? Wouldn't that be lovely. Sigh... that would be a lovely career, getting to be part of this program again.

But I guess I will see you guys again in a year. As always you can find me at www.keagerz.tumblr.com I guess this is going to become a thing...I am innately curious, I love finding out what happened to people, the what happened at the end of the story. I mean my story still isn't finished but a year in my life has been crazy wild and amazing. This year has been amazing for me, I'm finally a university kid. Maybe I will be the first person in my family to graduate from a university. I would love to travel. Experience life. I wanna live a crazy and amazing life that no one truly believes was possible. I like to take the side streets of my life, explore every option. That's why I am grateful for an experience like Katimavik, it got me out of my norm. I got to discover who I was and am, that has definitely helped lead me to where I am today. I am happy to be back at university, but I am hoping that before I settle into a career I can travel, live. Breathe in, Breathe out, this is my life and I am glad to have wound up where I am. I am curious to see where this life will lead me.

Thank you Katimavik, 41164.

Down

How do you tell yourself things didn't turn out as planned? Not going to lie, I expected to come home and keep doing Katimavik things, yes I did to a certain extent. My confidence has stayed, my ability to talk to people is slowly reverting back into what it was before, I can still bake bread bagels and buns like no bodies business, I have a sense of being Canadian still, but it's not the same.

Coming home from a scheduled day, to nothing? No job, no real rules, no katima-family, It was weird to say the least. It was awkward when I first came home. Everything was the same but everything was different too. My room was still my room, but it just felt wrong. Where were all the people? You mean this big of a place just for me? Why do I have all of this stuff I don't need it. I got rid of a lot of useless stuff, donated things, cleaned. I wore clothes that hadn't been washed a million times, clothes that didn't have stories, or a million holes.  I ate meals that came out of a box, not made fresh. I didn't go out every night just because. I stayed inside on the computer being a lazy bump on the log. It was...wrong. I wasn't proving that Katimavik was a worthwhile program.

My friends. I felt like I had outgrew them in a way. They had a party for me when I came home, but I just remember sitting there thinking I would rather be in the living room in Quebec with my Katimavik family. They just seemed immature compared to those whom I came to know in Katimavik. There conversations just seemed to be nothing, whereas in Katimavik we had stupid conversations yes, but some nights we would talk about everything. My friends didn't seem to notice that instead of being in the centre of our group I had drifted to the edge and was hanging on there for the life of our friendship. Although I still cling to the wayside they're still my friends, but it's just not the same. Nothing has been the same since Katimavik. My friends and I don't talk the way we used too... some who would tell me everything now barely talk to me. It's hard to say the least.

My family, things are the same with most members. But with my sister, and my brother things are different. Kaitlin and I don't talk the way we used to. Life gets in the way yes, but sometimes I feel she would rather tell everyone but me about her life, it hurts. We used to tell everything to each other but now... it's hard to admit when you drift away from someone. I guess this is what I wanted. I didn't want to lean on my twin anymore, and that's what has happened. We are finally two different people after years of wanting this. But it just feels weird. I don't know if things can ever be the same. Our relationship now is healthier, but it sometimes feels like I have a stranger for a twin. My brother Peter and I are in a better place with our relationship. We used to fight all the time, but now we have a bond. We talk about stupid things, deep things, life. I never expected us to ever be this close but I feel like I can tell him anything now.

I got a job. First with Katimavik being a recruiter which was the best time of my life. Conversations with people who understood me for once. Then I got a real job. Not one that helps animals, or saves the world. I serve coffee at a job I'm not in love with. (It's La Baratte all over again) I get minimum wage, and hate my life. The people there are fantastic though, they make me feel better about slowly dying whenever I'm there.

I've seen some of my Katimavikers, Erin Kelsey Cole and Kristen. Erin when I went to see her new Katimavik group in Burnaby. I taught them how to make bread in their freezing cold house so the bread didn't rise properly. I met Kelsey my penpal (who was in the opposite group of ours) wrote her emails until October when she stopped responding. Saw Cole by himself went to Metrotown talked hugged cried. In the summer I saw Kristen and Cole, it was a nice blast from the past. It made me want to get back into the real world. See people. (See my katimavik group for the people i want to see)

I want to travel. I wanted to be a Project Leader (but now with Katimaviks future up in the air so is that dream alongside it) I wanted to continue being a recruiter for Katimavik (I have pamphlets and buttons and stickers, it was fun) I thought about WOOFING in Alberta, but I know people would be upset if I left again with no plan. I think that's my problem, I have no plan. I've planned everything and now...I'm just sitting here waiting for another thing to fall into my lap. I want to go back to school but I have no motivation. I want so many things but I'm not willing to fight for them right now, I need a kick in the bum to get going.

This year didn't turn out the way I wanted it to but maybe...maybe when I come back and write about this in a year from now it will all be different.

If you're ever curious about where I'm at in my life and cannot wait another year ( keagannagy.tumblr.com ) you can always find me there.

I guess I went through a Katimavik depression, leaving the program is the hardest thing in my life. It changed me as a person forever. I miss it everyday. Katimavik I will make you proud. I will be a better alumni. One day I will proudly say I am a Katimaviker Je suis une Katimaviker

Oh...et ma français est horrible maintenant! Je ne pratique pas maintenant et c'est difficile parce que dans Colombie britannique les personnes ne parlent pas beaucoup de français! Oh mon dieu....un jour j'espère parler la belle langue français, j'aimerais parle en français...

In 2013 Let's choose adventure.

...and learn french? Yes...maybe.

What I wish I could say to them

The credits roll onto the screen, the hero has saved the day. But what happens next? What happens once the cameras stop filming, what happened to our protagonist? Our curiosity hopes for one thing, although reality strikes back hard.

 It's been a year since I got off the plane, back into the real world. The familiarity of family after six months isn't so familiar but you fall back into an old routine. Habits that you broke in Katimavik, slowly creep back into your horizon. I'm a different person yet again. I thought I was one thing when I left for Katimavik, another once I came home, and yet again I am a completely different being. Don't tell me it's all growing up since we know thats boloney. It hurts when you realize how far away you are as a person from who you wanted to be. I wanted to be a superhero, just once...

 I don't know what to say. It's hard to write about having so much potential and just well giving up on it all. I guess that's why I put it off... Here it goes I guess. I am always curious, what happens? When the person walks off the screen, or the pages end, what happened to them? I'm the annoying kid that asks all the questions "why is the sky blue?" "Why do birds fly?" I'm constantly curious. So whenever I find things that interest me and they just end I'm left there sitting dumbfounded. WHAT HAPPENED?! I guess that's why I'm here, what happened to Keagan, to group 41164? Or are we all to disappear without another word?

 Let's start with the group. After everyone went home, we said we would talk and text and call and all that good stuff. Sure, we did for a few weeks, but then time zones got in the way. We realized it was harder to be together when we all live across the country separated by time zones. I dropped the ball. I'm scared of letting people in, I pushed everyone away. I hurt people, I'm ashamed to say that. It was easy with some both of us didn't talk (Cedric, Sterling, Connor) what could we say to each other? Occasionally a Facebook message, an email, but conversation slowed until it stopped. It wasn't a shock. Others hurt a lot more.

 Morgan and Jill, I think about them constantly but I just don't know what to say...the words we never say. We talk stupid things but none of the deep things we used to say to each other.

 Jazz I love her, I tried but life gets in the way. She has school and work, and a bit of a language barrier (I'm stretching that one, her english is as good as mine). It hurts but I still try because I don't want to lose her. She means so much to me.

 Willie, that ginger. I always call him my ginger, but is he still? I mean our friendships still going strong. We write letters and give each other advice. But I avoid skyping with him, I don't want to disappoint him in what I am. I am a failure. (More on that later) Willie's friendship means the world to me.

 Kristen, I'm a bad friend. She's too insanely nice to me (I've said that since Day 1) She texts me, facebook messages me, everything. Yes, I respond but on my terms. I don't know what to say. I don't want to disappoint her, say I just... I have no words and that's the problem. I'm not sure what to say to people. Then I get scared of disappointing the ones I love and then I say nothing at all which makes them wonder if I just don't want to talk. But then when time goes on and I still haven't worked up the courage to tell them I get scared. I don't want them to be mad at me for missing their calls and such. So I start to avoid them, but the vicious circle just continues.

 Helena. I feel like I disappoint her the most. I just can't find the words. Which for me is saying a lot. I always have something to say...but lately I'm just drawing a blank. I don't mean to hurt people, but it's easier to push them away instead of tell them how much of a disappointment you've become.

 But I'm getting better. I'm trying, which is all people can ask of me. I've put my hand out for conversations, but I have to re-establish relationships slowly otherwise they will fall apart again. I miss them all, but its hard to tell them how much you really do need them.

 What's going on in my life? Well that's another story. Grab a cup of tea and get ready.

Long time...

(Just me at Head Smashed in Buffalo when I lived in Lethbridge with the Katimavik program)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzXHNOt4NPI (Our group video for Quebec City)

Just over three months since I have finished the program, but lets be honest it has still stayed with me. I have been lucky enough to be able to do Katimavik recruitement and get paid to talk about Katimavik (before Katimavik it was almost impossible for me to talk in front of a crowd) I still talk to most of my Katimavik counterparts even though we are seperated, one of my best friends is planning on coming out to the wild wild west in the summer, I plan on going out east when I have the funds, Katimavik still is and will always be a part of my life.

My life right now is in a weird place, I signed up to go to school (for education, so I can teach), I have been applying for jobs (I got accepted for one!), I had a goal that when I was 25 I would become a Project Leader with Helena and pay off school but alas...the last thing might not even come true!

Unfortunately...March 29th, 2012 the Federal Budget came out. They cut all funding to Katimavik. Now I have written letters to my member of Parliament, the finance minister, and even the Prime Ministers office. I am so passionate about this program, if it truly gets cut...I was crying so badly yesturday!

My friends I implore you please speak out against the federal budget cutting the Katimavik program, write to your member of parliament (http://www.parl.gc.ca/MembersOfParliament/MainMPsCompleteList.aspx) and please pass this along to your friends as well. Many communites, young adults, non-profit organisations benefit from this program. Show the Canadian government that the youth of this country s…till have a voice, that we still have a purpose. Please send our government a message that they are meant to be a government to help the people, not push their own agendas. Young people might be young right now, but we do grow up. When we start running the country do you want us to cut programs for the elderly or the young people because we are in neither category. We need to keep programs that benefit Canadians in more than just one age group.

The end

I keep avoiding writing this post. Like maybe if I don't write it we will still be together. But it happened. My Katimavik experience that started in a little three bedroom home in Lethbridge, Alberta on July 6th, ended in a four bedroom two bath house in Quebec City on December 16th.

Did the last six months actually happen? Did I really disappear for six months...Did I really just do that?

IT DOESN'T SEEM REAL!

Lets see where this goes.
Morgan our little fiery red head who could never throw out her own gum, badass chick number one
Jill The girl who always removed my splinters, who had so much love for all eleven of us. Always a constant smile and a giggle.
Kristen the beautiful tall blonde. Always so nice to everyone, baking cookies when we had a bad day. compliments to everyone.
Jazz My little crazy columbian, I had a crazy girl love for her. She is so perfect and always smiling. trilingual amazingness, I wish I had the talents of Jazz
Helena Love of my life. Also the best partner dancer in the whole world. The girl who always had a good reccommendation of a book, the great writer (Nanowrimo) The strong willed loud outspoken lady.
Cole The BC hippie. Kind hearted and full of smiles. Always looking down on me (Because he was so tall) laughing all the time, mostly at my horrid jokes
Cedric The lovely frenchie. Adding a little bit of french to our mix, with amazing stories. Always with the hugs...Caring about everyone
Connor We had our disagreements, but he stands by his principles, he gave us our group song. He was a great dj for our group, constantly with his music
Sterling Confidence overload? Always willing to help everyone, might not want people to know it but he is a total sweetheart
Willie My ginger, His smiles, his drawings, his all around amazing personality? We worked together, he knows :)

I entered Katimavik on the edge of adulthood. I was overlooking a cliff that seemed like my future. I didn't/don't know what lies at the bottom of that cliff but it terrifies me. Graduation while most people were excitied to be going to school in the fall, I was terrified of that prospect. School to me seemed like the only plausable option, the only option that I seemed to have. Thats what everyone expected of me. Katimavik changed that. I could grow up, avoid the fears that my future and school seemed to bring. I was 18, I wasn't ready to go head to head with my future. Katimavik saved me from going into school and hating it, dropping out and then never going back. Thank you Katimavik.

I have grown up so much in six months. Although I am still terrified of my future I am now ready to face it head on. Little things changed within me during six months. I no longer refuse to talk to people, I don't look at the floor whenever I am walking I look straight ahead, I stand straighter, silly artificial things. But things on a deeper and emotional level changed as well. I learned how to draw on my own strengths as a person, I learned how to work hard and fufill the needs of others. Most important thing I learned is how to say goodbye. It might hurt and the hurt might stay with you, but that just means that you are leaving behind something that you love, something that you will fight for just to keep, just to see once more. As a young adult I have never had to say goodbye to many people and places in such a way, torn ripped away from the things I loved. My heart yearns and calls out to find a place in a Katimavik house once more.

I worked with amazing people, I fell in love with these people. I poured my heart and soul into Katimavik. In the end, does it matter? I'm done. I'm exhausted, but I must continue on, the weary soldier.



I lived a lifetime in six months. How can I even begin to describe it? Helena and I dancing in the streets, Jazz, Helena and I giggling over stupid internet videos, Willie and I working together, Jill, Morgan and I billeting? Sterling telling me to stop looking at my feet, be more confident! Cedric telling me my french is actually okay.

HOW?

The english language cannot allow me to end this tale properly. Only love can end this tale properly. The love of 11 strangers, pulled together by the random draw of a hat. That's life. We lived a life together. We loved each other, underneath everything it was all just LOVE.


One day I wish to call up all of the members of my group and just whisper into the phone "I have our travel plans".... one day I know we shall meet again. This is not goodbye, it will never be goodbye.

I love group 41164, I know we will find our way back one way or another.

Whats in my future? Gosh, I don't even know. But where would the fun be in knowing? I'm just going to see where the wind takes me.

CHOOSE ADVENTURE