We are ghosts of who we once were.
Vague personifications of our Katimavik self. It's still under all the changes, underneath is what who we were when we were in the program. Revealing our souls to the ones we love. Time changes us, destroys what we once loved. It's hard not to love someone once you found out who they are underneath it all, their pain, suffering, happiness, pride. The person they are inside...I don't know how to write this. I have pondered, fretted, stressed about how I would bring justice to the third year anniversary of my completion of this program. But this is the year everything blew up in my face.
I found a post on tumblr a while ago that sums up my feelings for some of the things that have happened this year.
How do you know when it's over?
"Maybe when you feel more in love with the memories than with the person standing in front of you"
I don't even know how to talk about this. I always have words...but I don't...I keep hurting myself by reading the emails she sent me when we were fighting when we first returned home and I was trying to get myself back into the world. (I kept everything). Maybe if I keep ripping open the wound fresh for all to see.. maybe I would hurt myself into...feeling something. I'm the Queen of passive aggressiveness she once told me...but I'm hurting inside and out. If I keep showing myself the bad times maybe it will help...no I'm just an ass hole. I don't know what to say. I have a ruined friendship because of...well I don't know exactly. We weren't besties...It was like meeting a stranger. I kept telling myself it would be like what it was...I was hoping...But two and a half years is a long time. I told everyone that my best friend was coming...And whenever anyone asked me how the visit was it broke me. How do you tell yourself that you and your best friend had changed. How do you come to terms with that? We should have gotten to know each other again, the outside world had changed us and we weren't ready to meet again in person...At least we shouldn't have thought it would be exactly the same as it was. Too much too soon is what I keep telling myself. Is it correct I don't know...I don't know anything...Everyone asks me what now, are you still friends? I don't know...I still care deeply about her...but... maybe I am better being a part of their lives from a distance. Is that selfish? I don't want to get hurt again.
Although that truly broke my heart, we grow up, we fix our wounds and carry on. If we allow ourselves to fall, that is when we are broken.
This is life. Kristen is now attending the same university that I am... I have seen her once. I don't have the motivation to visit people, I can only have so much social time in one day. Most people understand this, but some...some people just think I'm anti-social and a jerk. Willie I have seen that kid a few times when he comes to visit his family in Vancouver. He is amazing, we were writing letters back and forth for a while...maybe I should write him another letter. He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met, and I feel like he gets me. I see him whenever I get a chance. We talk about things that matter to us. My mother says that she likes the way I smile when I hear from him, that I am truly happy when I get letters from him or when I see him. I think she wants me to find happiness like that everyday. Cole and Connor, both live on the west coast and I never see either of them. I don't know why...we all made our choices apparently. I haven't seen Jazz or Morgan or Cedric and I only know bits of their life because of Facebook. Jill got engaged to Abe. Sterling is working in Alberta still...we all continue and live our lives. I want to believe that if we needed we would be there for each other in a heartbeat.
A quick bit on my life and where I am at right now: I am still attending SFU for my bachelor of arts, thank you Katimavik for helping give me that push. I still have yet to borrow a penny for school, I am lucky enough to be able to budget, work a ton, and live at home to afford that luxury. I do not have the luxury of travel as some of us do, I work to save for school and all of my dreams of travelling are being kept as dreams until I finish my education and have the ability to go out and reach those dreams. We adopted two cats from a shelter because it was always a passion of mine to help animals and adopting seems like a good first step. I know I want to volunteer, but being a full time student and full time worker makes that difficult because my week is always changing. I would love some history volunteer work, I look into museums but where I live makes it hard. I got promoted this year at my work, but I still want job that I will be fulfilled in, not just in it for a pay cheque. I am living my life, I am trying to keep positive happy thoughts. This is my life, its not glamorous running around, but one day I will get to where I need to be and Katimavik helped bring out the best in me.
The crayon box is dead, Katimavik is dead, my friendship with the bestie is dead. Maybe its time to get on with my life... I need to stop being so dramatic. crayon box was a place but now it lives on in everyones thoughts and memories, Katimavik is slowly rising from the ashes, live moves slowly forward.
I am working towards being a person I can be proud of...it's hard work, hopefully it will be worth all of this.
I am trying not to be bitter about things, trying not to be an stereotypical lost twenty something year old, but it's hard. I don't know what I want, I don't know who I want to be...But it's going to be an interesting journey to figure this all out.
Go find adventure!
Keagan. (keagerz.tumblr.com)
41164 I am eternally grateful for all you have given me.
