Can you believe it’s been seven years since I came home from Katimavik?! I did it, I had conquered the world in a way only little 18-year-old me could think. I had lived with 11 strangers who became a family, I lived away from my family in two different provinces for longer than even I thought possible, I thought I was a ready-made adult ready to take on the real world. Oh, Boy was I sure wrong.
(A picture of me on Katimavik colours day- January 26, 2018)
It's that funny thing, once you have done something you originally believed to be so impossible, you have a sort of power. You believe in yourself, hold your head up a little higher, relish in small delights and triumphs, Katimavik taught me many things and I am eternally grateful for all of them. Let me be clear, I do not think I would be where I am without Katimavik, that program was insanely beneficial to me and I hope that more youth can have the opportunity to be a part of it, to "get a life". However, when life keeps seemingly kicking you down, you wonder if you made the best of your opportunities. You always seem to appreciate things more once you have left them forever, perhaps it is because it touches you in such a way that you are never able to fully comprehend and one day you realize how important it was.
What have I been up to since last year?...Hmm it feels like nothing. The eternal job search, to find something that calls to me and that I would be able to love and have a joy to go to work every day. I am lucky that the museum that I still work at does that for me, unluckily for me is the fact that it is only part-time and I cannot survive on three days a week and be an adult. I mean I have to eventually find my place in all this, right? Katimavik taught me that if I can just do something that makes a difference in the world or even one singular person I will be happy. I just want a job that allows me to be passionate, to be creative, to feel valued, but I suppose that is what everyone wants. Hopefully this time next year I will be writing about finding my place, finding a job.
I haven't heard much from 41164, but their lives are trucking along. I get to glimpse it from afar on Facebook. It's hard, seeing photos of them smiling and living their lives and realizing that I will probably never get to be a part of that again. I want to be. I used to know these people so intimately that we were like siblings, now? Now I don't even know what makes them happy, what drives them, what pushes them. I miss it. Willie, Cole, Cedric, Sterling, Connor, Morgan, Kristen, Jill, Helena, Jazz, what are they up to? Do they miss me? I just hope they're all happy, and from my small glances it seems like they are, but social media also distorts reality so who knows.
My personal life had become a shit show too. I started dating, and that blew up in my face. He seemed nice but everyone around me hated him and he became so toxic. It wasn't healthy, it was alienating and I let it be because I was just tired of being lonely. Loneliness and feelings of unworthiness are such powerful emotions that often whitewash the reality of situations. I'm still looking to find my place, and who wants to be a part of my life. It didn't end so well, but hey at least I learned who my true friends were. The first red flag should have been that he was jealous of Willie, like who could be jealous of him? He saw letters that I have kept that Willie wrote and drew, and then got jealous, possessive and competitive. I just never think of myself as someone worth having, but I just need to work on that before I try bringing someone else into my life. Maybe I just feel like I'm falling behind. All my friends are engaged, and my twin sister is getting married next year. So it's just this feeling of everyone seemingly getting their lives together and mine is still just pieces that I am trying to figure out how they all go together.
2019. I hope it is a better year. It has to be. Right? My sister is getting married, graduating from university, and moving out with her fiancee, and I am still here. But you know, I just have to keep facing forward and pushing through. Life is hard but with the right people, I can create a good life and one that I enjoy living. I just need to bring back some Katimavik magic into my life. That sounds like a great solution, I need Katimavik ideals back into my life. What would 18 year old me tell 25 year old me? That's how I want to live 2019, making 18 year old me happy.
(My sister, her fiance, and myself-Yes, I went through the "I have no idea what to do with my life, let's chop off all your hair" phase)
As always, you can donate to the newest Katimavik volunteers and help fund their own journey here (https://katimavik.org/en/its-better-together/support-a-katimavik-volunteer/ ) They're going to write stories of their own, and if you can be a small part of that story and do some good then why wouldn't you?
2019, I want it to be bigger and better. I want to live up to my own dreams, I want to be proud of myself and have more confidence. I want to be true to myself and not to anyone else. It's going to be hard, but I have worked too hard to just lie down and let myself go. 18 year old me has to give me a kick in the butt. Onwards and Upwards Right?
(Me on my 25th Birthday, the sign behind says "If you can dream it, you can do it")
See you guys next year! <3
