Do you ever get this bit of nostalgia? You find a hand-written note with some inside joke, or a Facebook memory from six years ago pops up. For a moment you can relive that memory, all the love, hope, wanting, regret. But its just a moment. You can never have the memory back as whole as it once was. That's how I feel about Katimavik. It's like finding small notes that you had written to yourself but it feels like a stranger wrote these words, and the words seem cryptic. I honestly feel like such a different person than I was when I did Katimavik, but I also feel like I'm standing at the same cliff that I was at before I started the program. That fear of whats next.
(Group 41164 during our first week July 2011 in Galt Gardens)
Its been far too long. Six years. Let that sink in now. This time six years ago I was sitting in an airport freaking out about meeting my family for the first time in six months, I was crying so hard because I didn't want to leave my Katima family. I started thinking about applying for Katimavik when I was in the ninth grade, and I started just after graduating high school, so about four years. I've been out of the program for longer than I thought about doing the program. It's weird to think about it like that. Time is just weird to me.
The band will never be back together. That's my guess. We're all so different now. I haven't talked to anyone in a very long time, I'm still upset with how some things ended with some of them, or I guess didn't end. But will I rectify this? No. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that silence and strangers seem to be the new reality. It's quite sad really but its true. I miss them, but I miss them as I knew them in 2011, who are they now? Okay, that's a bit melodramatic but come on, does creeping them on social media make a relationship? No. I feel like the creepy ex who just sits and cries at their Facebook pages wondering what happened.
Whats new in my world? In the last year, what have I gotten up to...
(My graduation day!)
I finally graduated University! I got my Bachelor of Arts as a History major with a concentration in British Studies. I only took out a small loan for my last year of studies because I wanted to be able to volunteer and just not hate my job. It's weird to think that I am the first of ALL my siblings to get a university degree. It still doesn't feel like it happened...like I'm a fraud? Is that weird, I just... it feels like even though I worked so hard and long for my degree it feels as though I have tricked my school into giving me my degree. Like I don't deserve it? LIke ahaha I have tricked you all. It's hard to step back and tell myself that I DO deserve it, that I worked hard and earned it.
Maybe the whole fraud thing has to do with the fact that I still cannot find a job within my field. I want to work in a museum or heritage or literally anything historical. Can I find this magic job...No. I've been looking and nothing. It's hard. I want a full-time job, I want to love what I do, I want to believe that my degree will help me with that. It's just hard when you feel like nothing is working for you. I just don't want to have to go back to my terrible old job but the reality is if I cannot find a job soon that might be the most practical possibility. I know I'm a hard worker, I know that if someone will just give me that chance that I can prove to them that they hired a passionate, driven, and hardworking young woman.
(Graduation Celebration for myself and a volunteer at the Museum)
I am still working/volunteering at the Pitt Meadows Museum. I love it there so much. I have done some amazing things there this year. The biggest was I got to help create and develop an exhibit for Canada at 150. That was amazing, especially when you get to see all of your hard work pay off in such a wonderful way. The exhibit was based on who we thought were influential Canadians, and all the staff got to pick a few people. I picked Emily Carr, Terry Fox, John McCrae, W.A.C. Bennett, and Pierre Trudeau. I also get to work on the children's programs, I (along with my favourite coworker) get to plan out the Museum Sunday programs. I never thought I would enjoy working with kids so much but its surprising even me. Makes me wonder what would have happened had I worked at the Family Centre in Lethbridge. This museum has been one of the greatest things ever, it's given me a place where I feel like I belong, I love what I am able to do there, and I love being there. This place is creating pretty high expectations for my forever job. I want a career in this.
(The Emily Carr portion of the display for Canada at 150)
My sister got married this year, my other sister got engaged, and then there's me. It feels like everyone is moving on with their lives except me. I just feel stuck again like I cannot move forward and I don't want to go backward. I felt this way after I finished high school. The whats next? Where is my path headed? Can I do this? Then I left for Katimavik. But now feeling this way again, I don't have the luxury of this magical program again. I have to deal with the real world which isn't brightly coloured with Katimavik optimism. What do I do now? What should my next step be? I feel so lost.
Where do I go?
What does my path look like?
Where will I be five years from now?
I want to live a life that I can feel proud of, a life that 2011 Keagan would love, a life that I can make my own. I just need to find this light to light my way again. Katimavik was my light after high school, what will be my light after University? I guess we shall see. This isn't really an optimistic note to end on now is it? I'm honestly more lost than I have been in my life. What do I do now? What is right for me? Will I find answers in 2018? 2019? 2020? Is there an answer? My life is a lot of coming to a cliff (Maybe I like that image the best) where every decision seems to change my life completely if I jump, if I stay, but the reality is that moving forward is always inevitable. I'm always moving forward.
No comments:
Post a Comment